Meet your friends’ baby and do a bit where you talk to the baby like he’s an adult. Your friends love that.
Go see the third attempt at a remake of a superhero movie that you were excited about twenty-four years ago and feel absolutely nothing.
Realize that you haven’t heard of a single artist in the conversation about the “song of the summer.” Go to a music festival with bands you’ve actually heard of that’s called “YOU’RE OLD HAHAHA YOU FREAK.”
Go to a happy hour with a friend from work who wants to talk about how his marriage is opening up.
Read an autofiction novel written by someone your age about how they’re way too old to be this pathetic and single.
Attend a barbecue. Talk with a friend from college about how her marriage is opening up. Say, “One sec, I’m gonna get a drink. Do you want anything?” But it’s clear to both of you that you’re just trying to make a polite exit.
Look at a meme that depicts a thing you feel nostalgic about, which informs you that if you feel nostalgic about this thing you are days away from throwing out your back.
Discover, with horror, that with each passing day you are becoming increasingly sympathetic to every value held by George Costanza.
Realize that you’re dressing exactly like George Costanza.
Meet your friends’ puppy and do a bit where you talk to the puppy like he’s a human adult. Your friends love that. Your friends proceed to tell you that they’re opening up their marriage.
Throw out your back.
